Adventures in the Land of Dj'ing - Everyone's A Dj

The one thing about dj'ing is that it never seems like hard work, especially to everyone else.
I mean, how difficult can it be to put a record on, slap a cd in, fiddle with an ipod/laptop(don't get me started on the ipod/laptop thing)?
I'm old school, no quibbles with that and love the vinyl. I digress.
Anyhoo, many people believe that to spin tunes that will keep a discerning crowd enthralled for several hours is and to coin a phrase used by one non-dj, ''a piece of piss''
Fairplay, if that's what one thinks, but the reality is a real dj, a bona fide deck- spinning guru will research the music, the venue, the people and the vibe before the night's even begun.
All these well researched pointers can't be taught just like that, it takes dedication to the craft.
It's not impossible, but like most areas of work that you actually enjoy(nine to five hamsters included), you enjoy every part of it..from conception to creation.
Having said all that, it never ceases to amaze me how some folk who think it is easy to dj actually purport themselves to be dj's too.
A particular example of this happened one Saturday night in a London nightspot i used to dj in on a regular basis.
The club had three floors and this allowed for company bookings in certain areas.
P and myself were dj'ing on the top floor for a well known phone company.
It was their Christmas do and as dj's will know, these bookings often come with their own headaches and silly stipulations.
''Can we have a mic to make some announcements..it will only be for an hour or so''
''Will it be possible to close down that bit and open up that bit?'' ''Can we have these drapes?''
What normally follows is the last minute on-the -night request, ''Ohh, we've got a dj friend of ours that we'd like to use, is that okay??'' ''He/She(delete where applicable) is really good, apparently''
Now don't get me wrong, it's a company event and as long as they're paying then most things go, even the bringing or booking of their own dj...no problem.
It was cool with me as i got to chill with folk, play a few tunes and get paid.
As mentioned, P and I were spinning tracks, jockeying for position and having a laugh.
We were told to expect their own dj to turn up at 10pm, it was 9.45pm at the time(I will deal with time-keeping another time)
The phone company crowd were with us all the way...P spun the back in the day tracks, you know, Lisa Lisa - Let the Beat Hit 'Em and some early Mary J Blige - Real Love and I was playing the upfront sounds of the time, Brian McKnight/Mase - You Should Be Mine, Q-Tip - Vivrant Thing.
The place is buzzing, sweaty and everyone is in good festive spirit..vivrant!!
The time is 11.15pm.
I'm just spinning back Biggie's One More Chance on the third rewind when P tells me the phone company co-ordinator of the evening has informed him that their dj is here and ready to play.
Bah humbug, I thought..lol...I was really enjoying myself.
Never mind, we knew he was coming, so were cool.It was their night and that was that.
What transpired next will live long in the memory...
P tapped me on the arm to look at the dj coming through and as I looked up I don't know what caught me first...was it the bleached blonde hair of one of the two girls carrying his record bag, the winding and grinding of the other around the dj(pimp?) or indeed was it the fact that the dj was wearing black shades(never understood that in a nightclub), a sleeveless fur waistcoat(no shit) and baggy pants that MC Hammer would've killed for.
By now, P had lost it and was doubled over in the booth, shaking like a tree in high winds and I was struggling to keep a straight face as the fur waistcoated dj made eye contact.
He got to the booth as his blonde sidekicks(Ren and Stimpy?) stood gyrating in front of him.
P extended his hand to shake Mr Fur Waistcoat's hand and was met with a gruff ''I'm playing now'' from Mr Fur Waistcoat.
P played it cool and said ''Cool, sure, no problem'' He tried to explain what tracks we'd just played, so the crowd wouldn't feel short-changed, but Mr Fur Waistcoat wasn't interested in listening.
I interjected and asked Mr FW where he normally dj'd.
''Here, there and all over'' came the reply. ''Okay, well we'll get out of the booth and leave you to it'' I said.
P left first and just as I was about to leave, Mr FW asked me ''What does this do?''
Mr FW was referring to the slider on the mixer.
By now P had lost all control of his body and was laughing his way to the bar.
As for me, I stayed in the booth and explained the technical concept of the mixer, turntables and headphones to Mr FW.
I joined P at the bar and stood through one of the most tortuous dj(hmm) sets ever!
Needless to say the crowd got restless and the phone company co-ordinator asked P and I to rescue the situation and take over from the dj(fur wearing pimpster).
We laughed and said sure, but that she would have to go and tell him and call time on his dj career(at least in that club)
P asked her where they had booked him from to which she said ''Ohh he works at our place and is always talking about being a dj, he asked if he could dj tonight but I can clearly hear and see that he can't dj at all, let alone tonight''
Mr Fur Waistcoat's dj set lasted 35 mins!!
So you see people, even when things are made to seem easy, it may be because the person making it seem easy has done the research and has the craft required.
Not everyone is a dj..believe!!

©2008
Dj Ed Nice

All names have been changed to protect the absolutely guilty.